I remember myself with my nose on the ground, overcome with feelings of guilt.
How could I do this to those I love?
I hadn’t seen my mother for two weeks; I had been busy at work with teacher and coach training preparation and programs. The training was an amazing experience with good participation, more than ever before.
Now I had the opportunity to visit my mother for Shabbat, to relax and be pampered. At the same time, I felt guilty. What am I doing? I’ve been exposed to unknown pathogens for two weeks. My throat was a bit ticklish. It’s not responsible. And still, I couldn’t disappoint my mother.
Cause and effect: I tripped and fell, and immediately knew that what I had been thinking led up to this.
I’ve been doing so much work of loving myself the way I am. It’s easy for me by now to look into my eyes and say, “I love you.” I’m so strongly surrounded by loving people. At the same time, saying, “I like you” is not always true. I have conditions–I must behave, ask nicely, be a good girl. I realized that I say “I’m sorry” too often. I was never aware of this, how it begins my every request for help. My daughter pointed it out and I knew it to be true.
And now especially, when I’m entirely dependent on other people, I’m sorry.
So, I see that even with 25 years of work in the Louise Hay method, I still am triggered by past memories of being unacceptable and inadequate. I didn’t like how I looked like as a young woman. I was reminded too often that I was not behaving well. This is so deeply rooted, yet I wasn’t aware of it until now. Louise Hay says, “Pain is caused by guilt.” I understand now that constant judgment results in punishment.
Now I KNOW that with all the pain and suffering, this is a big opening for me. It’s so clear that what I give out comes back.
A week after the operation to mend my fractured hip, I remember the enormous pain. I also remember reemerging from the sedatives, knowing, “I can think whatever I want. I don’t need to feel guilt, inability, or any other negative feeling.”
I told my husband, “I’m back! My life is mine to live as I want.”
With this, I began my healing, knowing that an amazing lesson is ready to unfold.
Pesach is liberation. Slaves react to life; I choose to be free. Chag sameach.